THE FEELING WHEN I SEE YOU...
The look on my face when I saw you for the very first time, my high school crush. The one that got away until our paths crossed again on the New Year of 2016. Was it just my luck or was it a curse I asked myself these days. Were you just sent for a season, and for some reason, we opened up a can of worms that was never supposed to be open. Opening up old wounds that bear no closure to the past, just a distant memory that will haunt our souls forever.
I loved you like you loved me once upon a time, and when we exchanged words of love, it actually carried weight, a weight that helped us get through the first year and a bit... and then it happened. That small doubt you had in us made you wonder down the wrong path and it killed my soul... still does. The space where lies started to dwell and fester, and eventually the truth was expelled and there was no turning away from it. Our Trust as a couple... BROKEN!
Why is it so dam hard to lose faith... MEN I ask you this. And why are we always so hopeful... FEMALES I ask you this.
All the hurt bundled up and stuffed into my heart to deal with. And all my heart did was bleed, yet when I saw you, I had hope for us, hope for a future together. But who was I kidding... you were just a boy I crushed on in high school and maybe my infatuation with you really thought it was more than that... in certain bursts of a short livid love it was... and the rest... undisclosed.
Weird how I keep writing to keep me sane, yet the tears won't stop running down my face, as yet this might seem like my pity party, but to me its as if you have died, but the irony of it is that you're still alive and well. I held out my hand but you refused to grab it, and now I find myself stuck in a black hole, trying to keep myself in the now instead of the past.
Geez Michelle, stop fucking crying already! I wish this was just a dream and I could wake up in your arms. I constantly have flashbacks of when our love flourished and how innocent and raw it was. What was so wrong that it couldn't be fixed hey Randy? Why? Why did you give up on us. I gave you my heart, my soul, my all and now all I feel I have are the ashes of a man I once knew.
I can't even type anymore, need to go. Sorry I can't even finished what I feel because its so overwhelming. I feel like I've burdened and kept so much hurt in me and now that I'm releasing my emotions over here, I just can't stop crying. I've never felt this broken in 5 years.
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