WHEN IT HURTS, IT FUCKING HURTS!
I've been going through a tough stage in my life... a period that has forced me to look from within. It fucking hurts I tell you, but I try and take it one day at a time.
I find myself in a space where work is tough, and so is the love I have for someone. I've decided to retract my emotions and plow it into working harder, longer hours, just to keep my mind occupied. But alas, everything starts creeping in eventually and you have no choice but to face it head-on, it's like I'm refusing to face what's staring me right in my face. I'm a lost soul, seeking answers from others when all the answers are right in front of me. I thought I was dating the love of my life, but it turns out he crushed it.
The constant torment of your silence, reading but not acknowledging. The constant weeping over a man who was just doing his own thing? Once upon a time, not even the continents could separate us... but now it feels like that's what keeps us apart.
So how does one do this... balance life, balancing your emotions, balancing work when your life feels so twisted you're not sure which way to go. As much as he's hurt me, I'm still here, waiting, hoping, but I don't realize how much has changed, how few words have become, how I don't know this person anymore. What we once had is just a figment of my imagination like it never existed. And the hardest part is that I not only fell in love with him, but I also fell in love with his kids, and now I find myself stuck, lost. I can't reach out because I'm either being avoided or ignored. I feel as if that's a scapegoat for him not having the balls to do it? And then there's just me having so much heart and love but it feels as if everything I've done was all in vain. That's my EGO speaking sorry, always seeking recognition of some sort.
I think my biggest fear is having to cope - how do I cope if I'm forced to end things, not out of my will, but to save my soul. I will always be labelled as the girl who broke up with him, but actually, she never changed or betrayed him and that he was the one who changed. But because she ended it, she will always carry that burden on her shoulders, sucks don't it?
All I do is cry myself to sleep, feelings trigger on a daily, but it's the distance that's killing me. Knowing that once upon we would speak on a daily to a point nothingness, or rather when he wants to engage, I had to just fall into his plans all the time. It leaves room for a grey area of "how much did he really care for you or love you" or was he just using you to get through life and help him deal with life, using me as his punching bag to shout, ignore and push me away whenever he felt like it.
Blaming the distance for his actions, yet not man enough to strike a deal that "you know what, things aren't working out Mish" or letting go because she's hurting, but nothing because it seems like you never gave a fuck honestly! What man allows his women to cry herself to sleep every night, knowing he is the cause, yet plasters the hurt by sending words that carry no weight or is never supported with actions. How do you untangle yourself from this mess?
Its a total fucking mess. I'm sick of saying sorry for feeling or wanting time or conversation. I'm drained of trying, yet I can't let go and I feel stuck and angry for falling in love. I pray and ask God for answers but I guess looking too hard for answers won't give you any when the answers are staring you point-blank in the face.
And then there's work, working to survive, working to pay the bills, working to keep sane.
So is this an article? Nope, it's just me plotting down my thoughts and emotions. This might be a cry for help... I don't know. My mind is all jagged and fucked up.
This poem by By: Liz C Wriston consoles my soul at this time of grief:
As darkness does fall
Tears do call
My head hits the wall
My heart suffocated by emotions
Brought on by tormented notions
Trying to guess what’s right and wrong
Singing a sad, sad country song
Alone when you’re not
Together left to rot
Stomachs always in a knot
While the insight is sought
Of course
I always seem to make things worse
Not realizing
I’m always apologizing
How alike and different we are
I once was your shining star
Now you’re broke down at a bar
In your eyes
I’m just demise
My eyes don’t lie
Especially when I cry
I try
I try
To please you
Instead I’m feeling blue
Because I have not a clue
What to do
All I did was love you
Let me love you
Love shouldn’t feel tense and painful
I am shameful
My love rages like a river
My heart does now shiver
Freezing cold
I’m told
My veins like ice
Now I slice
My…
Die
Death inside Elizabeth
Die
As darkness does fall
Tears no longer call
My head hits the wall.
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